Conversations with Grey

Idealist

“You know that feeling. That rush that fills up your heart when something (shoes, jackets, pen, puppy, vacation, person, y’know, those things) comes into the view of your eyes. And immediately you dart your eyes elsewhere and breathes out, in attempt to not collapse in the heat of that rush. That same rush feeling that you get by merely thinking about it even after not seeing it for days. That very same feeling you get, when you google it in attempt to find out more about it. The same feeling that you get, when you daydream about it and play that one song on repeat the whole day. The same feeling that you get again, when you check your e-mail everyday, holding your breath, hoping that somehow, that it will be written be in bold, waiting for you in your inbox. That very same feeling that comes almost every hour since you last saw it (even just once), then without you realising it, comes less often now. Then one day, you realised that you forgot to think about it that particular day and feel extremely guilty. You don’t think much about that guilt because, it’s silly lah. Slowly, you stop thinking altogether. Maybe just once a day, which slowly fades to once a week, because you know, you have a busy life to lead. Slowly you stop thinking about it completely. Not even once anymore.
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That initial rush has ran out. Ran out of gas, because in this day and age, it’s too uncertain to be harping on. Harping on something that deep down inside, at the very first moment that your heart leaped, you knew it wouldn’t be. But you hoped! That’s what’s important right? Hope? It’s too expensive to hope. Hope is a commodity that not many can afford now. Comfort comes in certainty.
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How have I stopped being an idealist?”